I only have a target to aim for, an ideal of conflict resolution in which
peace and knowledge emerge, instead of a further spiral into violence
![Ellis Amdur]()
Ellis Amdur
According to the party line in the “soft” martial arts, we lead our opponents in the direction of their intentions and desires; therefore, aikido is nonviolent because we don’t “interfere” with what they are trying to do. Somehow, though, I never quite grasped the idea that my opponent was attacking me with a plea to be wristlocked into nikyo, or flung ass-over-tea-kettle in a kokyunage throw. OK, I’m being flippant; aikido is not so intellectually vulgar. Yeah, yeah, it is instead an embodiment of principle, of the smooth and economical resolution of conflictof doing, as the Buddhist precept requires, no unnecessary harm.
However, that pretty caveat notwithstanding, how do we harmonize with something truly immoral, absolutely chaotic, or genuinely vile? One way out, of course, is to stand on moralitywhen an act or intent crosses certain lines, then the harmonious act, the act of love, is that which stops the beast dead in his tracks. I confess I’ve used that argument myself. Yet it is easy, then, to slip into the stance of what I call “God’s Own Sheriff,” where I believe my spirit to be untainted and righteous, and so I don my badge and my cloak, and with my trustworthy MAC-10 machine pistol firmly clasped in my fist, restore harmony far more efficiently than with iriminage and kokyuho… and in far greater numbers too! I could hop in my car and drive downtown on Righteous Street, shoot a couple of drug pushers spreading poison to young children, take a left on Ideology Avenue and plug a few corrupt politicians, and finally after a few rights on a winding course on the Road to Good Intentions, dead-end in the suburbs and shoot a child molester right between the eyes. Now there’s some harmony we can all sing along to!
Not choosing to don my badge and embrace insanity, however, I only have a target to aim for, an ideal of conflict resolution in which peace and knowledge emerge, instead of a further spiral into violence. I am prepared to fight if my aim falls short, but I do aim towards aiki, which, in this article, I choose to translate as “empathy.”
I’d like to explain this by means of a story. The name, description and identity of the individuals in this story have all been changed to protect their privacy. The story, in its essentials, is true. To begin, however, some background to explain to those mental health professionals among my readers how I ended up alone in such a crazy situation, against all standard operating procedures.
I was doing an internship in 1989 in a crisis intervention service when this incident occurred. In fact, I had only been working there about two months. However, because of the particular kind of training I had undergone in Japan, I was already quite well prepared to do crisis work, and was soon trusted as a full member of the team rather than as a mere intern.
I may have been quite good at face-to-face work, but what I didn’t know was how to work the mental health and police systems. This is not an excuse. If a warrior doesn’t know his weapons and his environment, then all his courage can do is carry him straight to the grave. If you leave it to others to protect you, and don’t acquire the skills yourself, then you have no one to blame but yourself. However, despite my ignorance which led me blundering onto the field of battle alone, it was aiki that carried me out again. But as you will see, harmony is not always a matter of the first, third, and fifth notes on the white keys sometimes one must raise a truly ugly noise.
A Man of Pride
Alonzo marched into the clinic, angry and tight as a swollen bladder. He was so hostile at the front desk that it was decided that I would sit in on his meeting with Sonia, another crisis worker. He entered the room, a short, muscular black man, about forty years old, dressed in jeans and an old, very dean T-shirt. He sat upright in his chair, and in a formal, almost pedantic voice told of taking in a young street kid of nineteen or twenty, just out of jail, and how he had bought him things, given him a home, and then how he had been ripped offhis stereo, his VCR, his clothes, even his underwear. His words would slip every once in a while, and he would begin to swear, then turn to Sonia and apologize.
His eyes were red with anger and lack of sleep. He fumed about how he was shamed, and how the thought of that punk walking around in his underwear made him so mad that he no longer cared what happened to him or anybody else.
The upshot of all this was that Alonzo could not catch the kid; he was young and ran too fast. So he had acquired a .357 Magnum, and he was hunting for him to kill him. He knew the punk went to this mental health clinic, and he demanded that we tell the guy to give back the clothes or he was dead. If he didn’t return the clothes, Alonzo told us, we would have to give him the kid’s addressand if we didn’t do that, well, then, we had chosen to ally ourselves with the little punk and were thus full participants in the robbery, and Alonzo couldn’t say what might happen then.
We suggested that he go to the police. He snapped out his words in short bites, saying he had gone to the police and they told him he ought to bring the gun to them, and they’d try to catch the guy. He shook his head, saying that the police were hiding their smirks, laughing at him.
Alonzo told us that he had never been involved with the mental health system himself, that he was an ex-marine, currently working for a large computer company, but that he was about to lose his job because he couldn’t go to work in these old clothes, walking around in dirty underwear, ‘cause he only had one pair, ’cause he had no money to buy more, ’cause he hadn’t been to work, and the punk stole it all, and “I’m going to blow that mother-f****r (excuse me ma’am) away, and if I have to shoot through a crowd to get him, I will.”
We tried to talk consequences with him, how underwear and VCRs were, in the long run, trivial, compared to a life behind bars. He stated he would kill himself rather than go to jail, but that he would kill Jeff first. He was a man of honor and he wasn’t going to take anymorehe let something like this go last year, but not this time. As he spoke, his face contorted, veins twisting like eels under his skin, and his words came out in short spasmodic gasps. “I could not stay… on the face of the earth… knowing that punk was… running around town, laughing at me, wearing my… underwear.”
All we could offer were more rational cautions of possible consequences, and these he batted away like flies. Because of rules of confidentiality, we could not even say that Jeff was a client of the agency, but we did say that, if we ever had any contact with this individual”Jeff is his name?“we would surely let him know Alonzo’s feelings. Alonzo listened to this, chose to interpret that we were promising to get the things back for him in a week, and left.
I called the police. They told me that until a crime was committed, there was nothing that they could do, but if Alonzo shot someone, I should be sure to let them know. Then I called the County Designated Mental Health Professionals (CDMHP)the only agents in the state of Washington who could commit someone against their will. They agreed reluctantly to do an evaluation, and got back to me the next day after visiting him at his home with police backup, saying that they agreed that Alonzo was homicidal, but he was not committable; according to their interpretation of the state statutes he was not mentally ill, just angry and dangerous.
Through his therapist, the punk, Jeff, was notified: he loved the whole idea of Alonzo’s anguish, thought it hilarious. Said, “Sure I’ll give the stuff back. He gave it to me, though. The old faggot!” Of course, he lied. He never tried to give anything back.
Digging back through old files, I found Alonzo. “Never been in the mental health system.” Hah! Major depression, commitment to Western State Hospital after a suicide attempta long history of taking in young street jackals, and getting ripped off. They were good chart notes. The man in the records had walked into our cliniconly much worse. So I called Alonzo, and he recognized me “Yeah, Ellis, you’re the one who sicked that county bitch on me.”
I replied that it was my responsibility under the law to request an evaluation, whenever someone came into my clinic talking of killing. I calmly said that I was sorry if he was upset but that I did it on both legal and moral grounds. “I don’t agree with what you are planning to do. I think it’s wrong.” He swore at me.
I asked him if he would come in to talk. He replied that of course he would, because I owed him some news, and he was expecting results. “I gave you a week, Ellis, and your time is up.”